Old flame is tempting me to finish my eight-year marriage

Dear,

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I’ve been married for eight years and have two lovely children. My husband is a good guy and a great dad and I can’t fault him as a person – he’s one of those people everyone likes and respects.

But our marriage has been coasting for some time now.

There’s no excitement, no romance and it feels like we’re only together because we have to be and because we have kids.

We have talked about it a lot and, every time we do, we both agree to try harder and attempt to get back what we had, but we always end up back at square one.

We’re friends and we have a lot love for each other, but I don’t think we’re in love any more.

To throw another spanner in the works, during this lockdown I’ve been messaging an old flame from university who says he’s in a similar situation with his girlfriend and wants out.

We’ve been flirting a lot and it’s clear we both still have feelings for each other. We’ve talked a lot about meeting up when we’re able to do it.

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I keep wondering whether I would have just carried on coasting in my marriage if I hadn’t reconnected with my ex, but it’s made me think I could move on and have a happy relationship with someone else.

Please advise.

Reply

I think you have to be careful that you’re not simply seeing in this old flame what you want to see in your partner – romance and excitement.

Also lots of us are reconnecting with old friends during lockdown, but the bubble we’re all in will burst at some point.

A marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and it goes through peaks and troughs. We can get complacent, bored and feel under pressure with kids, work or financial woes, and it’s about whether you can weather those storms.

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You say you’ve talked a lot about it, but I wonder if you’ve ever tried couples counselling to really work on the problems and see if there’s a way forward. It could also help give you a pathway to separation.

I think if both of you agree you need to work on the marriage, then therapy might be worth a shot and you can access these services online.

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If you try and it’s still not working, you can walk away from the marriage knowing you gave it everything. Also there’s not much chance of you and this old flame connecting in person at the moment – and he has his own relationship to sort out.

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