I am seated out on the terrace trying to soak in the elusive rays of the sun. An alternative source of heat and light is needed on a dull cloudy day, so I figure that jump cables connected from the car battery and pinched onto my nipples should suffice to zap into smithereens any coronavirus lurking in my body.
American President Donald J. Trump, PhD (Trump University) would be looking on in approval. By my side sits a strong cocktail of Jik, Dettol and Harpic disinfectants, with a pinch of Malaraquin. That should clean out any residual virus. If need be, I will go beyond oral ingestion to direct injection.
Beyond prescriptions from the ‘stable genius’, we have our own home-grown solution. Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, PhD (Kenya Meth University), has determined that alcohol-based sanitisers are good for more than just cleaning hands.
That is why my Trumpet disinfectant cocktail does not come alone but is accompanied by a chaser of throat sanitiser.
Governor Sonko included Hennessy brandy in the corona survival packs distributed to his legions but I am a firm supporter of the ‘Buy Kenyan, Build Kenya’, mantra; so, I opt for the finest indigenous chang’aa triple-distilled gin on special order from a peasant farmer on the shores of Lake Victoria who is a real entrepreneur and innovator.
What matters is not the label but the potency. I am assured that the stuff — which has always gone by names such as ‘Kill Me Quick’, ‘Jet Fuel’ and ‘Machozi ya Simba (Lion Tears)’ — packs enough punch to send coronavirus fleeing for dear life.
The properly distilled stuff burns with a fine blue flame. I wonder how it would work if I took a healthy swig and then set it alight. Trumpet science dictates that the virus will be simultaneously hit by both the sanitiser effect and the heat and light impact.
Brilliant! I must recommend this to Mr Trump as his personal first line of defence, seeing as social distancing for him is impractical, given the sheer number of adoring Trumpettes demanding close ministrations.
The therapy will also guarantee wonders for his electric hairdo and bright orange tan.
What many don’t know, by the way, is that I was the original proponent of throat sanitiser. Before Governor Sonko appropriated my idea and catapulted himself to world fame — including promotional spots by Trevor Noah and other US TV talk show hosts — I had devised the concept and freely shared it on social media platforms.
Where Sonko beat me was in picking up the idea and running with it to implementation. Some have suggested that I should sue to secure my intellectual property rights but, frankly, I’m not interested. At a time we all need to make contributions to the global war against coronavirus, I am happy to offer the throat sanitiser regimen as my gift to the world.
I don’t ask for anything in return but should the Nobel Prize eggheads recognise me, alongside Mr Trump, for my contribution to world health and happiness, I will not turn them down.
In the meantime, all of us across the globe must join hands to defeat this monster in our midst. We read over the weekend that key leaders of the Italian Mafia had been freed from jail because of the way Covid-19 is running riot within the penal system.
Now we can easily put two and two together. The Mafiosi conspired with Chinese counterparts to steal and spread coronavirus. That explains the Italian and Wuhan epicentres.
Intention was not just to spring the Godfathers out of jail but to topple President Trump and achieve world domination.
New York, the US infection hotspot, is home of the American Cosa Nostra branch. Dr Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, is of Italian stock. He is assigned to make President Trump look stupid.
He also has a history of collaboration with Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates, who runs a side hustle promoting vaccination around the world. He has more jabs to sell now, alongside antivirus kits for his computer systems.
With his Chinese friends, Mr Gates must have an interest in the new 5G mobile phone systems being deployed to spread coronavirus across the world.
He has also been a strong backer of President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary, and another former President, Barack Obama. All are responsible for creating the socialist mess President Trump is sorting out to Make America Great Again for the White Christian American.
Why didn’t we join all these dots before?